Map of the World/More Spiderlights

I am sad and happy by turns, I don’t know if this feeling of constant churn that I’ve had for the past five months is emotional normal for post mental break recovery or not so much. A lot of what I’m having trouble with is the positive emotions caused by the pre-break up relationship that broke down whilst/at the end of my mental break. I’m not positive about the break up and I suspect one of the biggest regrets of my life will be that that relationship came and I did not know I was having a nervous breakdown; I wish I’d had better insight into what was happening inside my head. I am consistently surprised by how many of the positive emotions, the gratitude and immense love that I still seem to be left with.

It’s cycling less fast right now around happiness, gratitude, love, sadness, remorse and grief. I think that’s usual but I also worry that I’m not processing the heartbreak enough because I’m concentrating on the mental health side, conversely I also worry I’m not processing the mental health and trauma side because I’m concentrating on the heartbreak.

One of the ways I locate myself in the world is via my relationship between people, places, things within it. I think my brain processes the Indra’s Net/spiderlights of it all far more than the set motion of linear time. I’m honestly not sure I really believe in linear time which I’m aware makes me sound incredibly pretentious or possibly way too smart? Mmm just pretentious I suspect.

Locating myself in the present place and time is one of the things therapy has been about. I do breathing exercises in the shower and lately I’ve been adding aromatherapy stuff to that which is massively helping.

Music is something that anchors me, that pulls me along each shimmering spiderlight thread and in some way locates me in the time and place I’m occupying.

As ever it’s female vocalists that are speaking to my soul? Through my soul? That I’m resonating with in any case.

I think one of the reasons for the emotional churn is that the reconnection with my emotional self both set me up for the mental break and helped me through it. All the positives that I’d learnt to feel were there to catch me through each of the negatives and whilst there is a massive amount of guilt over that being the case it still happened.

I do wonder if the other reason behind the emotional churn is that the rate of change of other people is in excess of what I’m used to and it’s throwing my equilibrium off.

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